Stress researchers have long known that the right amount of stress is not zero. We humans (like most prey animals) have a stress-driven mechanism for reacting to threats. Without our fight-or-flight response, our ancestors would have been eaten by predators long ago, which in turn would have put a serious twist in the evolutionary path that led to…us.
Too little stress leaves us apathetic, bored, disinterested. The right amount of stress energizes us and keeps us at the edge of performance. That edge is a cliff, but nevertheless.
So don’t take chances with stress – make sure you build an ample amount into your workday. Here are seven easy ways to make sure you have plenty of tension, strain and anxiety in your workplace life.
1 – Get a Performance Review…or Give One
Few events cause more stress than getting (or giving) a performance evaluation. If you’re an employee, pick a random date a month or so out and invite your manager to assess your performance. Spend the intervening weeks worrying about how your boss will criticize your performance (which you know is inadequate, because, after all, you haven’t been working under enough stress). If you are the boss, surprise your underlings by scheduling an off-cycle review. Their stress will rocket through the clouds, and you can worry about how you’ll evaluate them, since you have no real idea how they do their jobs.
2 – Invite a Computer Crisis
Contact IT and have them put a random piece of malware on your computer. Make the timing a surprise – arrange it so you come in one morning and voilà, your machine won’t even boot up. Think of the sweat that will trickle down your spine as you contemplate how you’ll even start your day. Panic about how you’ll accomplish of the thousand tasks on your to-do list, which you can’t even see, since it’s on your non-functioning computer.
3 – Volunteer to Plan the Next Holiday Party
Obsess over timing, venue, invite list and, most of all, food. Take into account the demands of your vegans, vegetarians, ketos, paleos and gluten-frees. Know that nobody will be happy with any of your choices. Your stress starts now and extends until far into the aftermath of this tragic event, which everyone will talk about for years.
4 – Pick a Random Service Line and Place a Telephone Call
Maybe chose the DMV, or perhaps the IRS (at tax time) or Social Security Administration. Consider how your blood pressure will explode your capillaries, as your life drains away and you suffer through the recording telling you how important your call is. Also, the fingernails-on-the-chalkboard covers of old Beatles tunes.
5 – Eat a Death-Defying Lunch
Eat a whole pepperoni and sausage pizza and follow it up with a jelly donut and a triple mocha explosion coffee drink with extra whipped cream. Salt, fat, sugar – a triple stress-inducing dietary whammy. Your digestive system will undergo its own bout with stress. Agonize over how many years of life you’ve lost because of your nutritional transgressions. Add a dollop of additional stress by thinking about how much you spent for the coffee drink.
6 – Pick a Fight at Home
Find an excuse to argue with your spouse (about the lousy job you did loading the dishwasher, for instance) or the resident teenager (a simple look should do the job). Why wait until you get to work to start feeling stress – bring it with you as you leave your house.
7 – Calendar a Meeting When an Email Would Do
Make it for two hours and set it up either early – say, 6:30 AM – or late (7:30 PM is about right). This will not only enhance your stress by screwing up your personal schedule, but will also enable you to benefit from sensing the resentment of the other attendees. They’re stressed too – everybody wins!
Finally, a technique you can use even when you experience a dearth of stress-inducing events: pregrieving. Ruminate about tragedies that might happen, however unlikely. Car crashes, plane crashes, market crashes – keep your backpack of burdens ready at all times. Just choose the worry du jour and off you go.
For example, dwell on the inadequacy of your health care benefits. After all, the sweet spot of stress – neither too much nor too little – is a tiny target. Undershoot, and you become a workplace zombie. Overshoot, and a heart attack may come your way, and you don’t have the medical coverage to pay for the care you’ll need.
Now that’s stress!
