Doctors, personal trainers and Peloton salespeople often suggest exercise as a way to battle the loneliness and depression that result from work-at-home isolation.

But what if you don’t want to subject yourself to the tyranny of a digital coach as you pedal your stationary bike to nowhere? What if you don’t want to parade your out-of-shape morphology in a crowded gym or pound your knees to dust running your neighborhood streets?

There is a solution. Here are some satisfyingly destructive exercises you can do in the privacy of your home, without buying elaborate equipment or paying exorbitant monthly fees:

  • Isometric teeth clenching – Try doing three sets of 10 clenches three times a day. On the one hand, your dentist calls this bruxism and advises against it. On the other hand, you’re doing it anyway every time you have to sit through another annoying Zoom meeting. Make sure you have good dental coverage.
  • Pounding the computer keyboard – Three reps ten times a day should do it. Beware of flying plastic shards. Safety glasses are advised.
  • Loud sobbing – Cleansing breaths enhance relaxation during childbirth (for the mother, not the baby) and promote tranquility in yoga. This is not that. Think of it as more akin to a primal scream. Rip off a dozen or so several times a day.
  • White-knuckle gripping the desk – Every few hours, grab the edge of your desk and squeeze with all your energy. Hold for a count of ten, or until your forearm muscles seize up and begin to shake. If you need incentive, envision your next performance review with your boss.
  • Repeated jumping up from your chair in outrage – This exercise comes in handy during those long periods on hold waiting for a non-existent customer service rep to come on the line. Do few reps every time your wait exceeds five minutes. Added bonus: knock off 10 quick jumping jacks each time you go vertical.
  • Slamming your laptop shut in frustration – Try this five times or so every hour. Make sure to invest in an extended warranty on your computer and explain to the manufacturer that you have no idea why your screen shattered.
  • Repeated rapid clicking of your mouse – Initially, this will benefit only your index finger, but as you perfect your technique you can alternate digits during the day. Set your mouse click speed at a fairly slow rate. Otherwise, you’ll be double clicking every time you touch the mouse. Which may just bring on more Loud Sobbing and Pounding the Keyboard (see above).
  • Sprinting to the bathroom – Guzzle coffee or energy drink by the quart, and then hold it as long as you can. When you are about to spring a leak, sprint to the bathroom farthest from your workstation. Added challenge: run back and forth several times before…you know, stopping. You may want to build up slowly to these extra laps.
  • Book smashing – When you feel the need to let loose a burst of energy, grab the nearest book and smash it to the floor, just as you would a medicine ball in the gym (see – another way to save gym fees). Pick the book up and repeat five times. It could be a dictionary, a thesaurus, or that copy of War and Peace you swore you’d read this summer but haven’t yet started. Reflecting on that failure may be enough by itself to inspire book smashing. And more Loud Sobbing.

These exercises are guaranteed to reduce the stress hormones racing through your blood steam. Plus, you can respond to your marathon-running, triathlon-finishing, gym rat friends when they brag about the endorphins they feel. Tell them you’re enjoying an experience they’ll never have: Book-Smasher’s High.