Your personal brand encompasses the attitudes and behaviors you consistently demonstrate to your colleagues at work. You might, for example, become known as “Ms. Collaborative,” “Hardest Worker in the Office,” or “The Guy Who Always Brings in the Surplus Zucchini from His Garden.”
But what if you’re not the Perfect Teammate? We all have our faults – perhaps yours include arrogance, callousness and plain old lack of likeability. Don’t worry – just embrace your persona as that Annoying Co-worker. Celebrate your skill at irritating your colleagues by adopting the kinds of personal brand images described below. Some work best with an in-office population; others are suitable for a remote work team. Pick and choose as appropriate.
Refrigerator Food Thief
Become the sandwich stealer, the burrito booster, the purloiner of pie, the Thief of Bag Lunch. The office is your domain, including the fridge, so take what you want. But leave the Tupperware behind – you pilfer food, not household containers.
Girl Scout Cookie Pusher
You are determined to elevate your daughter to the top rungs of the Girl Scout cookie sales ladder. Her success reflects on you, so take no chances. Bring crates of Samoas, Thin Mints and Lemon-Ups to work, and coerce people into purchasing by the gross. Like any smart dealer, however, don’t sample your own product.
Promoter of Personal Side Hustles
Fashioning silk daisies? Maybe knitting doggie vests? How about starting your own catering business? Use company social media to promote your part-time gig. They may shut you down at some point, but not before you get a truck load of free promotion.
Taker of Cool Vacations, with Photos to Prove It
Flyfishing in Montana, skiing in Switzerland, propping up the leaning tower of Pisa – these are your vacations, and they’re cooler than anyone else’s. Adorn your office with the snapshots that prove it. With all the time you spend on extensive family trips, people may wonder how much work you get done. Let them.
Parent of the Most Accomplished Children, with Photos to Prove It
Your daughter’s championship swim club, your son poised next to his tennis trophy, the twins’ winning soccer team (which you helped coach) – there’s no end to your family’s excellence, for which you have extensive photographic documentation. Think of it this way: you’re giving your officemates something to aspire to. It’s a public service.
Zoom Meeting Multitasker
People need to understand: you are simply busier and more important than they are. Prove it by taking other calls, tapping conspicuously on your keyboard, talking loudly with people out of the frame. Most meetings are wasteful anyway, and your disdain for others’ time shows it. Another public service.
Avoider of Refilling Copier Paper and Toner
These are jobs for mechanics, and you’re too important for that. Walk down the hall to another copier, or even go to another floor, to avoid wasting your time with these trivial maintenance tasks. Fixing a paper jam? That’s what secretaries are for.
Sender of Follow-up Message Barrages
Your time is important – you made that clear in the last video meeting. So when you need a response to your message, you need it immediately. Send a torrent of follow-up emails and texts and telephone often to make sure people know they must act RIGHT NOW. And use caps in your messages to guarantee people understand what RIGHT NOW means. When they do respond, decline to acknowledge their replies and sit on their contribution until past the project deadline, then blame them for the failure. That will teach them to ignore your VERY IMPORTANT MESSAGES.
To reinforce your brand image as the office’s Annoying Co-worker, you must also do the little things. For example, speak in clichés at every opportunity (grab the low-hanging fruit on this one); overshare whenever you can (especially about the intestinal illness you got on your vacation to Portugal); never fail to be late for a meeting, thereby inconveniencing all your teammates.
And whatever you do, don’t ever get caught putting paper in the photocopier. Nothing will tarnish your carefully curated brand more quickly.
