With so many people working at home, how are you supposed to micromanage them? If that’s your question – and if it’s not, it should be – then Big Brotherware is your answer.
Don’t stop with merely monitoring keystrokes, snooping into email messages or tracking time at the nanosecond level. Big Brotherware opens whole new vistas of employee oversight.
Consider a few products in the Big Brotherware suite:
WeightRate – Do you suspect employees may be piling on calories baking (and consuming) sourdough bread? Devouring donuts by themselves with no in-person meetings as an excuse? Figuring out ways to make high-sugar chocolate mocha drinks at home? Install WeightRate sensors on their home office chairs. This innovative program records the sitter’s poundage, enabling you to create comparative bar charts for team members. Publish the data and shame people into reducing their carb intake.
And consider adding the PosiBod feature, which pushes visuals of Bella Hadid and Henry Cavill to encourage body positivity.
LobeProbe – Want to know what your employees are actually thinking about as the perch in front of their screens? LobeProbe uses keyboard contact to create an enhanced electroencephalogram. The program produces a high-resolution animated representation of their current brain activity.
Are people paying too much attention to Bella Hadid or Henry Cavill and not enough to building that spreadsheet? If so, a webcam-embedded pupil dilation measure will automatically delete their screen savers and substitute a photograph of moldy sourdough bread.
AccountDown – Are you curious about how employees are managing all that money you’re paying them not to come to work? This software captures their bank and investment account passwords and allows you to probe trends in their personal assets and liabilities.
Add the optional cryptocurrency tracking module to find out who is putting money into Bitcoin and the like. Target them with messages that question their judgment; denominate their next paychecks in Pudgy Penguin NFTs.
MouseTrap – Some of your at-home workers may be using mechanical devices to keep their cursors moving when they aren’t at their workstations. Shame on them. Install MouseTrap to detect phony mouse movers and disable the offending peripherals.
If you really have no patience for this kind of rodent-based deception, opt for version 2.0, which shuts down the employee’s computer completely, turns off power to the house and starts a fire in the basement.
ScoffLoss – Are your employees making unflattering remarks or insulting each other on Zoom calls? Encourage civility by using this program’s AI to detect forbidden words and phrases. An added benefit: you’ll have fun programming the prohibited verbiage.
LaffTrack – Alternatively, are your Zoom meetings too tedious? This software punctuates video sessions with a joke every few minutes. Here’s an example:
Q: Why was the vampire removed as CEO?
A: He couldn’t appeal to the stakeholders.
This adaptive program tracks chuckles through the computer microphone and upgrades the humor as required. The highest level: an avatar of Chris Rock that draws on personal medical records to make a joke about a random meeting attendee’s embarrassing medical condition.
HomeDrone –This nano drone (think chubby mosquito) whirls discreetly about the employee’s house and monitors everything, including home hygiene. A tidy house means a tidy mind, right?
FourFlush – Unnecessary bathroom trips are a classic time-waster. This product uses the computer’s microphone to identity the harmonic frequency of rushing water, recording bathroom trips beyond the permissible number for a day. You can decide whether to target over-users with discipline or a health care referral.
Does all this enhanced scrutiny make you squeamish about undermining employee trust? Trust is for wimps – you don’t need employees’ trust, you need employees trussed, bound so tightly to their work and work stations that they can’t fire a synapse without your knowledge. Big Brotherware gives you the tools required to keep people in front of their screens and doing what you pay them to do.
Big Brotherware comes with a money-back guarantee if employee productivity doesn’t increase by 20% within six months. Which should just about cover the cost of increased turnover.
